Hello, 31. I'm Michelle. Let's Do This.
I’ve been working on journaling daily, and I haven’t been very consistent at all the last week or so. My oft-wise, dear friend, Nick Krause, said, “journaling is a great way to remember how smart you are”. I think it’s an interesting (and important) time to journal…hell, it’s an interesting time to be alive. It’s an interesting time to have a birthday. Oh, I forgot to mention — it’s my birthday today. I keep forgetting about that.
When I was a teenager (God, that opening lol), prior to TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Myspace, we had OpenDiary and LiveJournal…and Xanga, MSN Messenger, Yahoo Sites and AIM…some of y’all remember those platforms! Some of my friends and I got really into OpenDiary and LiveJournal. Sharing our experiences in rather honest ways online helped us to connect with one another in deeper ways, and we grew more conscious of the fact that our human experience is truly a shared one. We had access to others’ thoughts and feelings in ways we never had before, and it was awesome! No generation before us had that type of access to becoming so socially aware. We weren’t just engaging with the people in our built in social circles, we had the ability to interact with and follow the journeys of people from all over. We played games online with kids we met in the chat rooms dedicated to our interests (in my case, often books). We exchanged stories and feelings with people we met playing games online. In our digital diaries, we wrote our thoughts freely, changing names here and there, and we felt more connected than ever.
I suppose I’ve been using Instagram as an online journal of sorts for years, and I try to be pretty honest on social media in general. I want to take it back to my old school days of an actual blog. Today seems as good a day as any to start it, in fact maybe better than most days. Because I think it’s really important that we remember we aren’t alone right now. And because it’s my fucking birthday! On my 16th birthday, I opened my MySpace account in lieu of getting a driver’s license. Today, on birthday 31, I start an online blog that will be a combination of personal updates, activities, thoughts, feelings, inspiration, music, podcasts, film/TV, humor and whatever else I feel like sharing. I’d include places to go, but we’re kind of not going anywhere any time soon so…
A friend asked how I’m doing.
I get excited any time a friend is stressed out from work, because it means they still have a job! I get stoked when someone has some kind of “typical” or “first world” complaint, because it means their day-to-day life may not have been terribly interrupted so far. I hope, desperately, that it stays that way for as many people as possible. And I’ve always been a person who is excited for others’ successes, so when I learned that a friend got a raise yesterday I was elated! We’ll need some people in stable positions to help the rest of us when things open up again and the economy needs to be stimulated. It feels like my world came crashing down, and I know we’re just at the start.
Los Angeles is a wild place to live, and made even more so in the face of this global health crisis. I tend to see a lot of goodness in the world. My interactions with other humans tend to be pretty positive in general. I’ve also seen a lot of pain and suffering, I’ve spent time in the “ghetto”, in Skid Row, and in other places primarily reserved for those with gang affiliations. That is not the neighborhood I live in. The neighborhood I live in is walking distance to a beautiful and large public park, people hike and run, people walk their children (both human and furry), people do yoga and meditate, people know their barista’s name and take time to say hello to their neighbors. Two days ago, in a neighborhood grocery store, I was picking up a couple of things and when I was walking to check out, a woman entered the store yelling and cursing at another women, walking right by me with the most hateful energy. It was jarring in a neighborhood where that is not the norm. One of the other customers saw it happen and asked if I was okay. Yesterday, at another neighborhood store, I stopped by for a carton of eggs and quarters to do laundry. I waited patiently as a woman indecisively considered her egg options, attempting to maintain some degree of separation/distance. Then an older gentleman swooped in and debated which type of eggs to purchase. Again, I waited patiently, knowing that the older generation needs to be taken care of and that eggs are a surprisingly hot commodity (even though any perceived “shortages” are simply caused by people’s hysteric stockpiling). I was about to step in to get my eggs, when a man in his mid thirties cut in front of me. As he attempted to grab the last of the cheapest eggs available, I said, “Hey! I’ve been waiting for eggs for 5 minutes, please let me get some too.” He ignored my request, pushed in front and replied, “Today’s not the day to wait.” Thankfully, there was a sign saying that each customer is only allowed to purchase one carton of eggs, so he had to put some back. I was in shock.
We don’t have a food shortage. Grocery stores, drugstores, all businesses necessary for survival are remaining open. Restaurants and cafes allow for take out and delivery. We can restock on things as needed. These are all preemptive measures so that hospitals don’t get slammed with a spike in the disease like what happened in Italy.
We definitely don’t need to be jerks. I think it’s more important than ever to practice kindness and love. Acting from fear never serves anyone.
Yesterday, I got the official email that the tour that I was contracted to be working on through May was canceled until further notice. And any other freelance work I was counting on in the live event space is gone for the foreseeable future as well. I’m not sure where my next check is coming from. I am working on staying informed and on being as proactive as possible. I’m launching an Info & Resource page on ROVE and will continue to update it regularly. I’m going to focus mostly on local resources and info first, but want it to be more exhaustive later. I’m signing as many petitions as I can, and I’m strategizing on how to pivot things for myself and for others.
A friend asked how I’m doing.
This is what I said:
I’m doing well enough :) Everything is insane for everyone. My entire income through May is officially gone. I’m working on allowing myself to feel what I need to feel while also keeping myself informed, and trying to be super proactive in every way that I can. I’m exhausted and energized, I’m overwhelmed and inspired, I’m a walking nuance after nuance existing in constant duality.
And I’m looking forward to how we all band together, and how we make the world what we want it to be. I’m excited for the art and discoveries that will come from this. I’m excited to see the future and how this pushes us deeper into the digital age, while we also remain in touch with the physical world when we can. Maybe it’ll give us a more grounded transition into our potential future. And I’m hopeful that we will all come out of this wiser and stronger for it.
I feel like we’re living in a movie or a video game, the reality of this hits in waves. I’m accepting the nutty new realities as they come, and wishing that things were turning out differently. It’s one thing to admit the possibility of crazy shit, and to event expect it to some degree…it’s another thing entirely to be living it. I’m looking forward to seeing how we adapt and evolve, and I know that we will all be okay even as our definition of “okay” changes hourly. We are all being forced to collectively rush through the 5 stages of grief every time more news comes out. I’ve been cycling between hysterical laughter, screaming in anger, screaming in disbelief, screaming in frustration, crying, accepting what is and trying to figure out how to make things better. It’s an emotional roller coaster that I don’t think we’ll be getting off any time soon. When we can all afford therapists, that’s going to be so necessary (time to change our healthcare system as all the flaws are put on display for the world to see)!
This is exhausting and surreal, and I really hope that people in other states (and countries) that are not yet feeling the brunt of this heed the warnings. I hope that everyone practices social distancing (and isolation/quarantine when possible). I hope that we are able to contain this sooner than later. And I hope that everyone stays healthy and safe.
I’m 31 today, and I guess the timing is a great reminder of my philosophy that a year can’t be inherently good or bad. This is not 2020’s fault, and it’s not a foreshadowing of what 31 will hold. Most of us have experienced some type of trauma or paradigm shift in the past. It wasn’t that year’s fault either, and if we’re breathing today it means we lived through it. Years can and usually will have both good and bad, and at the end of the day, in spite of external factors, each year is exactly what we make of it. I’ve experienced some pretty rad highs so far in 2020, and now we’re collectively going to weather through some fucking low lows. 31 won’t be inherently good or bad, it will be what I make it. While we can’t control what happens in life, we can choose how we react to and perceive everything. So I guess I’m buckling in, and gripping the steering wheel with all my might.
Let’s white knuckle this thing, together. A rising tide raises all ships, and in this case, a rising tide helps to ensure that we don’t all drown. We can do this. And I can’t wait to see who we are on the other side!
Hello, 31. I’m Michelle. Let’s do this.
See below for a photo from a solo hike the other day at the Wisdom Tree. An unfiltered moment of joy. I hope you have some unfiltered Joy soon too!!!
Here’s a poem I wrote a few years ago after a good friend was killed by a drunk driver on the night of my birthday. It feels pretty fitting right now. (Miss you, Emery.)
UNDER WATER
I keep trying to catch a break
I don’t think one is coming
Maybe, just maybe
Life isn’t about trying to catch a break
Maybe it’s about enjoying every breath that we take
Maybe it’s about allowing each moment of our lives
To drip like honey on our tongues
Penetrating each taste bud with its goodness
Maybe it’s about being so present that we don’t miss a damn thing
Maybe it’s about every smile, every embrace, every laugh and every tear
Maybe there’s beauty in our pain
Because oh what a joy it is to be alive
So I’ll stop trying to come up for air
I’ll enjoy my breath where I am
And if I’m drowning, I’ll enjoy the view
Who knew I would see so clearly under water
PS: I’d normally ask you to donate to a charity for my birthday. At the moment, I feel rather like a charity case myself. If you want to send $1 or $2, it’s deeply appreciated. And I promise to pay it forward in whatever ways I can!
Venmo: @michelleinla
Cash App: $MichelleYoung
PayPal: myoung8907@gmail.com
